Yulia Belousova

alone in Bangkok

I feel lonely
I'm on the back of a motorbike
sliding through the city
— lights flickering past me.

big cities always amplify the depth of our solitude
I'm here for work,
I have things to do.
but why am I here,
really?

I look down from my hotel window
at the people by the pool —
we’re all like ants,
moving through the haze
of our thoughts and tasks.

I catch the eyes
of strangers at a red light
— all of us waiting for the green
and
something softens
I don’t feel lonely
anymore
I liked this city from the moment
I landed
I’m connected to every stranger
through the same question,

the same quiet search for meaning

never lost.
never found.
never alone.

I feel you

you are a stranger
I feel your energy going through my body
your soft look
and promising smile 
A woman in me
is terrified,
to be caught in the net
freaked out
by pain —
even a one-in-a-million chance
that it might hurt

to get closer

I am waiting
waiting for an invitation
the secret of joy
is staying present
and breathing
what a joy it is to
be
able
to breathe
I feel your body
without a touch

I struggle —
how much I want
to feel your hand
intertwined with mine
to discover your skin

the island answered:

I am here
I’ll give you people
if only
you learn to wait

This strange feeling of home

maybe home is not a place?
I’ve been looking for you for so long
belonging

My eyes are full
of ocean drops
The rain
is the sound of my heart
Earth, I’ve been calling you —
please, give me a spot
a safe place
a square of your ground
to kneel my head down
to love you
the way you love me
but the wind kept blowing
I had seeds in my hands
ready
to be planted
the wind blew again
wings in full swing
Never stopping
Maybe
home is not a place?
my heart whispered
barely heard
its subtle voice
— maybe home is the people
you meet along the way?
with their open hearts
waiting for us to enter
I see myself
in your eyes
“Family,”
whispered the
heart
whatt an unknown feeling!
to call strangers
a soul’s union
will they like me?
will they stay with me
or wander away,
as many did before?
so did I as well
being a passenger
getting on the train
stepping down again
Questions,
disbeliefs,
illusions.

I saw those two
in their mountain hut
their naked souls
dancing with the fire
like mine

living
living
LIVING
the dream I had —
was that dream even mine?
wasn't it a collective dream
shared by birth to find one day
unity?
that day I felt
I want to stay
on this train
ready to be among the pilots
take the passengers in and out
but willing to stay
in their hearts
I have a place in mine
where we all belong
to the same fractal
to the same song
to the same source
I entered the room with a question
TRUST
“the future is co-created”
answered the space
what you are searching
has been searching you
you can
lie down and rest

you are
at home.

Sun
set

I look at you
and kiss the trace
you left upon the water
Goodbuy Father Sun.
Until tomorrow.

Fear
-less

I am full of fears,
sometimes a fool,
that is okay,
my friend.
I do let this power
go over me

I ask
to show the roots
of the fear
to be left alone.
maybe
my mission,
my vision —
are illusions?

Am I on a wrong path?
will I die before I learn to live?
can I learn fly without falling
from a cliff?
I might not be accepted,
not to be loved,
rejected
never find my tribe
nor my home,
live my life
“the wrong way”
that hurts,
doesn’t it, my friend?

Yet, it will pass and show
where the light will go
into the darkest place
illuminating the shadow,
erasing the illusion
correcting the mistate.

Fear
walks hand in hand
with awareness —
the one that reminds me:
thoughts are illusions.
they will pass.
don’t cling to them.
They are waves
upon the ocean.
what is truly precious
— it will remain.

Just don’t give up
don’t betray
yourself.
You already know
what is real
and what is not.
Love
Patience
Faith.

Love is...

that feeling you carry inside.
The inner joy.
The light that’s always there.
The resistance
of surviving stormy days
crawling in your rabbits hole
waiting for another day

to take you out.

We were different

for some, we were better
for some
- worse.

That didn’t matter at all.
we simply didn’t sell out for the obvious.
we believed
we were the dreamers.
we barely slept -
insomnia held our heads.
insomnia led to the dance of our nights
in foreign beds.

Until-
we learned
that it was luminous dreaming.

We never had a comfort zone.
Not to get used to, not to stay in one place -
even if we wanted it so badly:
A stable home,
friends,
a few drinks on Friday afternoons
to celebrate the closure of the week.

That wasn’t possible.

Our soul’s voice was louder
than the body’s needs.
It kept switching channels,
following the subconscious drive and desire
into the unknown -

The source of all fears,

where Deaths stands at the bottom
of the Rabbit Hole.
We were young

the desire to stop and settle
was tremendous -
to lead a life
with simple pleasures.
And yet, we knew:
the price of entry to this life
was to high
to stop
even if for a moment.

You pause -
you are trapped.
We licked our bleeding wounds -
and continued.
Santiago’s path
the red path
the rainbow path
the path of thorns -
people gave many names to the same invisible road
we knew
we were not
Alone.

We saw the feathers in the air.
We felt the beat of their steps
in unison with the heartbeat.

we are many
the warriors of the light
the night watch
we are spread in many places
youu will see us -
if you want to open

eyes wide shut.

Our love didn't survive
Our love didn’t survive
the cold Russian winter

by a single day.

The traces on my body,

from the experiences I’ve lived,
are beautiful marks
that say:
“I am still alive —
I live this life.”

I have died so many times
only
to be reborn
once more.
To teach you the law of life:
you'll never disappear
a tree will grow
from your ashes
to blossom with a million magnolia
flowers.
when spring replaces

winter.

Soil for My Soul

Hold my hand,
the wind whispers
I will kiss the wounds
on your soul,
on your skin
the dress of your spirit.

Breathe in,
breathe out
you are still here
do not listen to them
Depression
is the wound
that isn’t healed yet.

Look inside,
drop some tears on your past.
travel back
to heal the present.
go visit
without the baggage of fear.
travel to that day
where you were hurt.

The soul
on your skin
is your wisdom,
is your happiness
Take from that day
the impermanence
of anything that will happen after,
and come back
without carrying the past.

Throw away the pills.
They were good for a moment
to keep you asleep,
to help you stay
in the shell of ice; it is freezing.

Wake up.

I have a warm cup
of tea with rose leaves,
a few drops of tears
of love and care
that I give back
to you, my love,
my second self.

She is the one

who’ll always heal you
she is the one
to always receive you.
When you are hurt
when you are lonely
sad
lost
no matter what
she’ll always stand
by your side
and support you.
Mama Nature.

Let us be young and wild and free

give me back all people I have ever loved
if this is not possible,
please, make them happy

Everything would be easier

if we could only learn
to listen
to what we say
out loud
about ourselves
when engaged in a conversation
with others.
That’s the recipe
to stop breaking
one’s head.
But that might be playfully addictive
to get lost
in one’s labyrinths
of anxiety.
The only way out is
through.

I miss places where I’ve never been
I miss roads that I’ve never walked
I miss numbers that I’ve never dialled
I miss words that never left my mouth
I miss people who never hugged
I miss that moment
before I started
missing anything.
I miss trying before being afraid to fail
tell me
what exactly
are we doing here ?
Two legs
one silly head
ten fingers -
we are all the same,
little beings
trying to make a difference
by chewing bubble gum.

The planet would be such a pretty lady
without us,
but okay,
let’s do something useful here
just call me
when you know what
I’m not sleeping anyways,
counting sheep till 4 am,
imagining
I’ll get a solution like Mendeleev
in exhaustion and a lucid dream.
So far
my conclusion is close to 0,
but I know
we’ve got a lot of room
to play.

Surrender

the one thing you never have
and you never will:
CONTROL.
Accept that you don't control
what
will happen
to you.
We are sand,
not even;
we are
absolutely nothing;
it all happens
because it has to happen
it’s not you
nor myself
changing the world
achieving
making a difference
that’s dead.
We can only
change ourselves
surrender.
The hardest everyday lesson is to let go
of control.
I still have desires,
dreams and plans.
yet
there is a difference between
surrendering
and giving up
Balancing the tiny line
between the forcing
and aligning.

16.10.2023

Сhoice

choose life you wanna live
pay the price of it
never complain nor question the choice you‘ve made
choose again
and again

Mother, I miss you.

I long to be reunited with you,
to transcend this eternal illusion
of separation
the sacred wound of humanity,
the idea
that there is me
and there is you.
Forgive me
for looking outside
for so long
when you were always here,
close by,
underneath my feet,
holding me on your shoulders.
I take off my shoes,
all the uniforms
I've spent years
deserving, building, and nurturing
to feel your touch
I bow my head here,
in the geographical center of the country t
hat helped me to open my eyes
in the desert,
where your waters have dried up
where we have polluted your lakes
where you suffer most severely:
the heat,
the absence,
the void.

You always had me
in your arms
even when I was flying
too high
in the clouds.
I sit on my knees
I lower my forehead
closer to the ground
to you.
You never
left me
you are always
here
with me
in me.
My flesh is a piece of you,
a small grain of sand
in this ocean.

Forgive us,
for we truly do not know
what we are doing
forgive us for going
into the cities,
building the walls
the barriers
just to forget
about you.
I walk the streets of the metropolis, and
I feel
your pain.
How come
we’ve been blind
for so long?
Your patience knows no bounds,
and neither does
human stupidity
I hear you calling us
back home.
I don't know
what home is;
I've never had one.

I feel unsafe
in a space with four walls and one entrance.
I haven't slept in 3 years
my eyelids are heavy
insomnia
is my closest sister.
Does that compare
to the number of sleepless nights
you spent raising me and my siblings?
Almost 8 billion.

I can hear you calling us home,
to you.
You ask for only one favour
to stop poisoning
the air
that you give us
every day.
Stop poisoning
the water
we drink,
our blood, the rivers, the oceans
to save the forest
the Earth.
I don't know how.
This hurts.
I have only my voice
my hands
for now.
I know
I'm not alone
to hear your call.

Am I tired?

Yes.
I am
tired of transforming
myself,
becoming a better version
of myself.
I'm enough.
I want so badly
a break,
to slow down,
to stop.
And just as much,
I realize
it's not the time.
We've been coming to this for so long
we've been waiting for this moment
the world
has cracked
the old way of life
has collapsed,
you know it
as well as I do.

Nothing
will
ever
be
the same.

The fountain of feminine energy
in men and women
has sputtered
be it due to COVID
the cleansing of Mother Earth
due the isolation of us
humans
who have been parasitising
her.
Whether it's war,
rising gas prices,
everything else
that makes it difficult to travel
outward,
pushing the journey
inward.
Whether it's a trend
or a sincere desire
to explore the beyond,
yoga, retreats, vipassana, detox, tarot, herbs
ancestral wisdom -
it's affecting
everyone
who has the opportunity.

It took us so long
to get up to that speed
that now,
flying down a 45-degree slope
I know that at this altitude,
there is no choice;
it's been made before.
I either make another leap
when your hands and muscles shake
from overstrain,
saliva spurts
through clenched teeth,
you feel pain
in every cell of your body,
but I have to
I have to climb this rock.
Or
I’'ll fall into the crevasse
from this height, the fall is 𝘧𝘢𝘵𝘢𝘭.
I know
there,
beyond the edge of the cliff,
will be the scenery
I've long dreamed of.
My hands shake,
my spine crunches,
my eyes are blinded by the bright,
scalding sunlight.
𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘐 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴?

There's no time to ponder;

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦.
by us,
together.

I'm flying down the slope
toward the trampoline,
and the long jump is coming up.
I'm either going to close my eyes,
jump
or open them
and enjoy the terrifyingly satisfying
sight.
I know
you are breaking all the shells of yourself
just the same.
Everything is crunching;
the shell is painfully cracked,
a chick is born.
That pain of rebirth,
you,
me,
we
can handle it.
We have paid
for this pleasure
with many test lives before,
the ride is on,
We have begged
for this.

Shame on you

so often
I felt ashamed
uncomfortable
with who I am
for my originality,
madness,
an unusual lifestyle,
my PJs love and restlessness.
It may seem hard to believe,
but despite my rebellious nature,
I give priority to other people's desires
expectations
over my own.
People-pleasing
without knowing
what they really want
from us
is such
a common game.
To hurt others
is a no go,
myself -
easily.
Plus,
nobody else
can hurt you
as bad as yourself,
we are “protected”.
I truly wanted to be
like most of my friends
to have a sort of a home,
some illusion
of stability.

Yes,
the only constant is change
time is relative,
but
we have to somehow float
along the river of existence .
You have an apartment,
some kind of a job,
a favourite cafe
for a morning coffee.
What about me?
there is only wind
in my hair
my feet
are not touching the ground,
my luggage is heavy
with the feeling
of guilt.
Why?
because
no matter how hard I try
to fit in,
I still don’t
fit in.
Again,
what’s wrong with that?
nothing.
The school wants me
to fit in,
the university,
the job market,
it’s so easy to say
fck the system,
but
hey!
Aren’t we all
playing by those rules, s
wiping the card
at the ATM,
googling the next question
or chat GPT?
We are so in,
pretending to be
out.

Someday,
perhaps,
I will
share my story,
the number of scratches
fractures
who knows,
it will benefit someone.
On this New Moon,
I have no choice
but to take responsibility
for my own life,
to release
the traumas,
old excuses
of giving fault
to somebody else,
and
move
forward
towards my goal.

The goal
is clear,
the road
is uncertain.

The world is neither black
nor white

it’s made of two,
like me
and you
we came from him
and her.
The black
and the white
only
together
they create all sorts
of grey.
Dial my number
from the other side
I am the shadow
and the light.

The world is dual
if there were
no bad
there would be
no good
too much good
is no good.

We choose this life
we came here
to transform
the bad
into the good.

Why are we still wasting
time?
tell me
what we need to walk the walk.

Thanks to the bad,
I have had the good
create the light,
walk forward.
You are
my foundation
the darkness
you are
where I come from
that’s the law.

My mother's darkness
gifted me this life,
the light.
If I waste
this chance
If I don’t pay
the price
if I give up
abandon myself
to everyday pleasures,
I will stay for another
school year
aren’t we tired
of repeating?

This time
I’ll make it,
I’ll get out
I’ve chosen this path,
the painful path of thorns,
the only one.
I see the army growing
their weapon is love,
their shield is love.
I’m not
afraid
anymore,
I see
their eyes shining.
You are
the ones
who gave
meaning
to my life.
Let me be
the one
to pay you back
or
shall I better
pay it forward?

You are

my mirror
my sister
my daughter
my mother.

In your eyes,
I read the lines
of my heartbeat
talking.
You are
from a different
continent,
the color of your skin,
the language of your voice
we are strangers,
and yet,
we are
the same.
I’ve been looking
for a mentor
my whole life
a guru,
a guide,
a teacher
on this path of awakening.
Please,
hold the candle to see my steps.

I‘ve found him
he guided me towards the light
I’m grateful.
The moment arrived
I had to find a guru
in H E R,
inside of myself,
in every women
I’ve met
asking myself,
what it means,
to be a women
what does it mean,
to be feminine?

In each of you,
mirroring
every little part
of myself,
helping me
to feel more
c o m p l e t e
being only your mirror,
not more,
not less.
I love the feminine
in you
in each of you,
the man
the women.

Nothing.

“God needed you,
that's why He created you“.

If you exist,
you are needed
If you have an opinion,
it is needed
If you have a voice,
it is needed

The listeners might be
wrong
Your environment might be
wrong
Your job,
your family,
your friends might have
a wrong impact
on you.
But not you
you are
right
you have the right
to be
exactly
as you are.

I don't know much
anymore
I only know
how many things I know
are not mine
how many „truths“
I had to forget
to remember
my own truth
to remember
who I am.
Now
I do know it.

I do know
I want to remain myself.
no matter what
no matter the price
not anymore.

No matter what,
I will continue
walking my way
not copying
anymore

It might be
challenging,
I might be struggling
to open a new
path
the force to do it
is with me.
The force is with everyone
who chooses
their own way
of being,
of existing,
of trying
failing
until it works out.

I am not looking
for any guides
anymore
I know you are
out there
you are inside me,
by my side,
out there
in the air
I've been born an Investigator,
1/3 Profile.

So I am
I am scared.
fear is an illusion.
I am not scared.

Thank you
for this lesson,
225223

P.S. Always
remember
I loved you.
you just
couldn’t see.
I loved
all
of
you.

The way you touch my skin
I already miss you
your gentle breeze
your songs
whispered in my ear,
your unobtrusive concern,
freedom,
this sort of love
that is unique
you saw me 8 years ago
I already knew,
I was yours.

I am
a professional
in leaving,
learning the way
how to stay.

Faith

wasn’t it easy to have faith
when we were kids?
All grown-ups
were once children.
I remember
that moment
when you were gone,
faith
you dissipated in the fog of the evil.

At some point in my teenage existence
life brought down an avalanche of trials,
which crushed
drowned out
the breath.
It seemed to me
back than
if the Creator exists,
He would not allow
what happened to happen.

Life turned into a black and white movie
until the day
I’ve got to play with colours
again.

The past

I beg you
stay where you are
let me go
to the present.
I want to be here and now
I wanna soar in the moment
feel saliva
on the tip of my tongue
experience
with each cell of the skin
fresh air of a new day
I won't bother you again,
I promise.

You
just
don’t
exist
anymore!

You are
my illusion
please,
don't
ever
come back.
I'm tired
of running in circles
I'm ready for the spiral.
may the bridges burn
may the memories turn
into ashes.
Nothing else
connects us,
except for endless
gratitude
for abrasions and smiles,
for all the happy
and sad
moments -
everything that you gave me
for giving you space
in my photo albums.
I light the match -
may you burn
with the fire,
blaze so brightly
that it is
impossible
to look at anything
but
the present moment.
Thank you for
Now
this is the best thing
that I have ever
had
I wouldn’t have any better.
There is
only

this moment

I wrote you a letter

you’ll receive it one day
the day
you need it
you know,
the truth is,
the time is now
to surrender
we’ve tried
we’ve done our best
the best we could
at that moment, at that time.
We all were kids
once upon a time,
we’ve got a lot to clean
to get resolved
from those times.

I forgive you,
myself
I forgive you,
Mom
I forgive you,
Dad
you were the best you could be
you still are.

I have something beautiful to tell you
you’ve got
no past
anymore
I’ve got no past.

We lived moments
of joy and pain
we gathered experiences.
we’ve accumulated memories.
But no,
we are not defined
by our past.
no longer.
I’ve never done anything
wrong,
and neither
did you.
We came here to learn,
not to judge.
to experiment.

I have only present.
I’ve got only
this one
moment,
nothing else.
Free fall
down the rabbit hole,
flowing
like cold river waters.

I choose life

Every time I feel
I’m about
to give up,
I also know -
I’ve reached that limit,
the wall
after which is another star,
another horizon
to enjoy and live after.

It does not matter
how slowly you go
as long as you do not stop.

Right?

A girl

was on her way
to cross over the ocean
to another side of the world
to finally get home
meet her mother
after a long while.

but the play had another scenario,
her home was not her home anymore,
it wasn’t expecting her
the way she left it,
it wasn’t easy for her mother
to go out of the door
and travel.
But they found a way
a train, a night bus,
2 flights,
several stopovers
they met somewhere in between.
In the middle of nowhere.

I still can’t believe it
the universe
has a face
the universe
has its hands.
Those are called humans.
friends
family.

There is no white nor black

no good and evil
there is only the balance
of the play of duality.
the only answer to keep it is
LOVE.